Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you

I haven't written anything on this blog in a long time. I haven't felt comfortable blogging. I haven't been comfortable with writing publicly in the first person. Since trying to divide my thoughts, I've found I haven't had anywhere to put my thoughts. Everything is intertwined and the personal is political and other such cliches.

The other blog has been abandoned. I don't want to be defined by my mental health, and the moods are what they are. Thinking about them, and trying to analyse them only makes them worse. I have bad mood swings. I take medication which doesn't quite work, but makes things slightly better. I've always been wary of blogging because of the ease for self-indulgence, and I crossed the line with that blog.

But I've also been paranoid. And just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you. I think I should make it clear - the paranoia does not come from writing on a blog entitled "The Falmouth Terrorist", but from other areas of my life. However, I am living with the reality of Ken Norman from New Scotland Yard promising he was "going to go out of his way to get me and a friend locked up for a long time", and that can become a very strange kind of reality.

These thoughts cannot be investigated or explored. They have too many painful implications, and I have built up a tough armour. I am very guarded about my feelings. I've built up the barriers so I can deal with whatever happens. But I can't delve into anything below this. Below this is a deep, dangerous place, and survival is more important.

But "surviving"isn't a great way to lead my life. Earlier this month I spent five days in custody (four in prison) on remand for obstructing police, an extremely minor offence for which someone would normally only receive a fine for on conviction. However, the Magistrates' were told what a nasty person I was, and how, if allowed bail, even with bail conditions, I would return to the camp and "cause a situation" whereby there would be "mental or physical injury".

The few days I spent in prison were both devastating and really not that bad. In prison there is no point thinking about outside life because there is nothing you can do to control it. Accepting this is crucial to keeping your sanity. I also knew the likelihood was that I would be out in a few days, which obviously helped.

However, the whole experience has dented me, and I'm only just beginning to feel like I've found myself again. But I'm slightly changed, but haven't worked out the changes yet. I'm still confused, and I'm very scared.

But under-riding this is a sense of determination. I don't feel beaten by any of this. I do feel cautious, and vulnerable. And this vulnerability may lead to my not updating this blog very often.

...or I could just turn this blog into documenting Ken's attempts to get me locked up...hmm...or would that be self-indulgent?...